I know people who only need their partner to as so much as look at them before they become pregnant, on the other end of the scale I know people who have tried and failed for many years to become pregnant, turning to options such as IVF to only be left disappointed once again, it all seems so unfair and it's made me seriously wonder just how babies are made. Is there some sort of formula to it all? I know some people stand by the belief that you can only fall pregnant during two certain days out of a month, but when that method fails what else can you possibly do?
We have no been trying for baby number two (or perhaps I should say number three as we're hoping for our rainbow baby) for over a year and have had no luck. I'll be honest, a piece of me dies just a little when my 'monthly visitor' arrives and the hope of holding a precious little newborn in my arms once again falls away to nothing. I'm sure this feeling is one that most women who are try to conceive go through until the month that they finally do fall pregnant. I know so many people who are currently pregnant, are announcing their pregnancies or who have just given birth and whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also quite jealous too, I'm just speaking candidly here, there's no point in me lying and pretending that I don't wish it was me making an announcement and having something so special to look forward to, instead I'm left wondering - "What the hell is wrong with me. Why isn't this happening for us?"
In January 2014 I did become pregnant on the first try and from that very first positive pregnancy test I felt as though something wasn't quite right, I didn't even feel pregnant and sadly suffered a miscarriage a day after my sons 1st birthday, the timing couldn't have been crueler for me, from celebrating such a joyous occasion to sitting in a hospital cubicle sobbing my little heart out after being told - "I'm sorry, there's nothing there..." Ever since that day I've felt that something is missing, I think a little part of me died that day as well as my unborn child and whilst I'm not trying to replace that baby I do wish for another.
I brought up the fact that we've been trying for over a year with no joy with my doctor last week, something which is advised if you have been trying for that long with no pregnancy occurring, only to be met with the usual wishy-washy, unhelpful statements such as - "You already have a child so at least you know you can have children, unlike those who have to resort to other methods..." - yes, thank you so much for that non-peace of mind statement, that really but my mind at rest from worry and frustration... not. Secondary Infertility is a real thing, I have a family member who has sadly suffered from this and I'm not going to lie, I have so many worries in my mind about this, especially as it took eleven months to conceive my son in the first place. I'm also quite aware that I'm only twenty-five and have 'plenty of time' but that's such an unhelpful statement too, I know people younger than me who have three children and counting... Age is irrelevant to the situation.
They say that it'll happen when you stop trying - is this another formula to try? Why does it all have to be so complicated? This is why I'll never understand how people can fall pregnant from one night stands or if they don't want a baby at all, it just seems like unbelievable luck, especially when you have women like me who wish for another baby with all their being and have no joy. I want another baby with all my heart, not just for me to love and cherish but for my son to have a sibling. He's two and half tomorrow, I don't want him to be reaching the age of four before he becomes a big brother, the gap is far too big for me and having a personal experience of having a brother four years younger than myself I know we're not close and I'd hate that for my own children.
So today I am on a downer, feeling frustrated about a lot of things, the non-pregnancy situation being on the forefront of my mind. It's all well and good for my other half to try and make me feel better about the situation by saying things like - "If it doesn't happen we'll have a lovely holiday next summer, outside of Europe even", a holiday isn't what I want and doesn't even come close to the joy of having another precious child to love and complete our family. I don't think he fully grasps just how devastating it is for me to realise that once again I'm not pregnant, that all those possible 'pregnancy symptoms' were just in my mind because I so want them to be true and that the 'not pregnant' words displaying on that overly-expensive pregnancy test just made my heart break a little, again...
So here I am as an adult, left wondering if all I've been told in sexual and health education class was true, because it all seems like myth to me at this stage. Can anyone tell me and all the other ladies out there who are trying for a baby, just how are babies made?