Monday, August 30, 2021

My Silent Miscarriage Experience


I'm writing this post exactly a week since I found out I had suffered a silent miscarriage. My emotions and feelings are still incredibly raw right now and even though a full week has passed, I'm still in as much shock as I was after hearing the devastating news - "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat"

A week ago I had never heard of a silent miscarriage and I wish I still didn't know what it was.

I was 13 weeks pregnant and discovered at my first scan that baby had died. I didn't even have an inclination that anything was wrong. I was excited to see baby, to see the person who I had spent weeks being terribly sick over (I had hyperemesis and the most miserable summer of sickness) and was looking forward to getting passed all of that and making plans for this new little one who had come to bless our lives.

When I was told there was no heartbeat I immediately began crying and strangely felt embarrassed. Maybe the embarrassment came from being so excited one minute to completely devastated the next.

A silent miscarriage is when baby has died, but your body continues to operate as if it's still pregnant. You will suffer no miscarriage signs or symptoms and will not know anything is wrong at all until you have your scan or if you do start to pass the pregnancy naturally - this can take up to three or four weeks.

It was determined that our baby had died in week 11 and here I was at week 13 still unaware of anything being wrong.

After receiving the devastating news everything feels so rushed and overwhelming. We were taken to a small room and given our options. I could have waited for the pregnancy to pass naturally, but due to the size of the baby and my previous history of needing a blood transfusion for pregnancy related bleeding, it was deemed an unsafe option for me.

It was decided that a D&C was the best option of care for me.

We found out baby had died Monday afternoon and by Wednesday afternoon the D&C had been done and I was no longer pregnant. I cannot even begin to explain the sense of complete and utter emptiness I feel.

I want to share for anyone who may read this in the future, who may be facing the prospect of a D&C, that it isn't painful. You're put to sleep under general anesthetic and you won't feel anything physically. Bleeding is also very minimal afterwards, although I did lose almost a litre of blood during the surgery but I have a history of blood loss.

I had the D&C on the last day of my sons' summer holidays from school so I decided that my partner should stay with them while I went to the hospital alone. It was an incredibly lonely experience, I'm only thankful for the care I received from the wonderful doctors and nurses who looked after me.

One thing I wasn't prepared for was being asked if I would like to organise a burial myself or a hospital burial if baby comes back from investigation. Baby has been sent to analysis to see what may have caused this to happen as they were a good size and my pregnancy hormones were still at the point they should be, even on the morning of the D&C. 

I know in a few weeks when we get some sort of answer and if I get a call about a burial that I will be devastated all over again.

I have cried so much this past week and I'm not sure when the crying will stop. I have kept busy with my sons and trying to get back to work to keep my mind off things, but in the evenings when everyone is in bed or when I'm alone I feel so lost and upset.

This was a complete shock to me and I wish it had never happened. All I think about is the only image of baby I saw on the scanning screen. Baby was on it's side as if it had gone to sleep. 

For three months of an incredibly hard pregnancy I have nothing to show. 

A quarter of a year, a season of my life and not even a scan picture. 

I am completely devastated and only wish I could have spent more seasons in life with my baby who I so desperately wanted.



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