Tuesday, May 01, 2018

Thoughts On Being *Just* A Mother ♥

Ever since I was a little girl there's just one thing I have ever wanted to be in life - a mother.

As a child I had a Baby Born doll, affectionately named Chloe, who could have been mistaken for a real baby as she was so well treated! My Nan knit her clothes, my mother bought her clothes and I mothered her and took her on walks that even my own little legs couldn't carry me on... but from those early days I adored mothering and knew that all I ever wanted was my own children.

Fast forward to the ripe old age of twenty-eight, where I am now mother to two real life gorgeous boys and although this is all I have ever wanted, I sometimes get a sadness that never fully goes away when I think about all the things I've never done and probably will never have in my life.

When people ask what I do and I state that I'm *just* a mother I slightly cringe inside. What if people think I'm lazy and don't work just because I don't want to? What if they think I have no ambition? What if they think I just sit on my arse and claim social welfare? (I don't by the way, I claim nothing). Part of me wants to not care what people think and part of me wants them to accept me as a vital member of society, even if I don't feel like one myself.

I don't know where this sadness stems from - probably that awful habit I have of comparing myself to other people - but sometimes when I reflect on my life and what I have achieved, it seems paltry compared to that of my peers.

I listen to peoples wonderful stories about the places they've been to, the characters they've met, the experiences they've had... and I've had none of these. My life seems quite dull in comparison to everyone else's and although I probably wouldn't even enjoy all the travelling, partying and working in a job where I have to commute and deal with other people, I still feel a void in my life.

Do you ever feel like this? Maybe other stay at home mothers feel the same, I don't know, but if you do, just know you're not alone.

I have two boys who are the biggest sweethearts I know and I think it's widely known at this stage how much they both mean to me. My days are filled with looking after them and they consume me completely, so much so that until very recently I forgot that I was indeed my own person.

I love being a mother, it was what I was born to be, but there are days when I see my *just* a mother self and feel quite worthless to compared to those with careers, their own houses, a carefree life... and I wonder why I didn't aim for more.

Perhaps the babies could have waited... but then they wouldn't be my babies and I'm a firm believer in what's meant for you won't pass you by. I do have days though when I worry about what I'm going to do when they've gone off to school for the day, what will occupy my time?

I don't think I could ever go back into an out of home job again, having been absent from the workforce for so long I think my work and social skills are probably at an all time low. I've been looking into ways in which I could work from home and my dream is have my own photography business, as capturing memories to last a lifetime is my passion. I worry about how I can make this work with two young children in tow though, could I bring them to shoots? Do I have time for another venture?

Mothering always comes first with me. I never put myself first and maybe that's a mistake on my part because I now have a five year old who finds it terribly difficult to function if I do leave him for a night and an almost two year old who I've nicknamed my koala as he's so clingy.

I am as much theirs as they are mine though and when all that is said and done, would I really have my life any other way? The answer is a firm no. Yes, being *just* a mother can be tiresome, lonely, leave you feeling a little bit worthless at times, but knowing that I am there for my sons whenever they need me and getting to spend all of these precious early years moments with them is the most perfect way I could ever spend my days.

Being *just* a mother is perfectly fine with me.

1 comment

  1. This is time with your kids you will never reclaim, the rest of the world will wait for you to explore it once they have grown up. Xx


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