Sunday, December 03, 2017

Breaking Point ♥

Usually I keep my thoughts bottled up, mostly down to the fact that I have no one to talk to, but also because I never want to be a burden to anyone, but today I have to air my thoughts, just for my own mental health. I can't keep my feelings bottled up any more.

It's completely sad to admit but I've finally reached breaking point.

I am sick of struggling in life. I am sick of Jacek and I working so hard and getting nowhere - how is it possible to work almost every hour God sends and still not have money? I feel like a complete and utter failure in life and if there was a reset button I would press it.

I absolutely love my children to death and try to be the best mother I possibly can to them, but no matter what I do I will always feel as though I have failed them. The one big source of contention for me is that we don't own our own home.

They've both had to grow up in rented properties, other people's houses and homes which we have to keep in pristine condition. They're not allowed have crayons, Play-Doh or any other creative substance which they could ruin the place with.

Their bedrooms have never been decorated in a way I or them would like and even now they sleep in rooms where another child's name is on the wall and there are cartoon character fairies all over the wall where Beau sleeps... I know these are just material things and they shouldn't really matter, but they really do to me and I can't help that.

I want them to be able to grow up in a happy home that is our own, where they don't have to worry about breaking something as it can always be fixed, where their playhouse doesn't get mouldy and unusable because it's sitting in a grassy garden with no light in it. I just want to give them a home and because I can't do this I have failed them.

We have to move again in July - more upheaval, more chaos... we have nowhere to go. Rental prices in our area are skyrocketing and shitty two bedroom flats with a rocky bank for a 'garden' area are going for over €1000. It's nothing but pure greed, forcing people like us out of the rental market. The thought of not finding anywhere fills me with sickening anxiety every single day and if I think about having nowhere for us and the kids to live enough it makes me want to throw up.

I have tried to voice my concerns about our situation to people but no one seems to understand and I suppose they never will unless they find themselves in a similar situation.

All of these worries are really taking their toll on my mental health and I'll admit that I've broken down at times from it all. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, getting out and about everyday with the boys, finding new hobbies, etc. but it's bloody hard at times.

I thought Christmas would be a welcome distraction from all of this negative crap but I can't even find the passion for it this year. It's December 3rd and I haven't even begun my Christmas shopping - I'm usually finished in October. I just can't bring myself to buy more stuff when we don't even know if we'll have a secure roof over our head come next summer.

I'm hoping at praying that 2018 brings some positive things for us as a family and I know that with the bad times come the good, so until the good times roll around again I'll be trying to keep positive and make each day as magical as I can for my sons.

I've reached breaking point, so all I can do now is pick myself up, dust myself down and carry on.


  1. Remember to be nice to yourself! You're working so hard and that's what matters for you children! I grew up in rented house, we moved 17 different times in 16 years before my mum owned her own home, that's just how life is sometimes. They'll never see you as a failure when you give them all the love in the world. <3

    Shannon |

  2. At the end of the day your boys will grow up and make their own way in life so just try to bring them up in a loving environment. And remember, you're not a failure, millions of young people around the world are in the same situation, we're still feeling the effects of the global financial crisis.

  3. I remember how frustrating it felt to be renting, for the same issues you mention. I had no children when I renting, but still remember the stress of getting told 'the landlord wants their house back - you have four weeks to get out'. It's really hard to feel settled when the rug can be pulled out from under you at any moment.

    But I just wanted to also let you know that you never know what is around the corner: I despaired of ever owning my own place, but then I got made redundant - which I know sounds crazy, but the redundancy package ended up forming a chunk of my deposit. Not suggesting you need to lose a job for life to turn around for you, but what I'm saying is that doors can open when you least expect them, and I'm sure they will for you. xx

    PS: your kids won't remember how big their back garden was, or what was plastered on their bedroom walls - they'll remember the house being full of love and laughter because YOU'RE in it!


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