I don't know about anyone else, but my own birthday's always seem to leave me in a bit of a deflated mood. Maybe it's because the older I've gotten, the years have sped by in lightning speed, leaving me feeling as if I haven't accomplished all that I should have 'at my age'... but when it came to celebrating my youngest son's first birthday, I thought it would be a day full of joy and happiness, and for the most part it was, but there was also this niggling, bittersweet feeling of sadness floating over me too.
I don't remember feeling like this when it was eldest son's first birthday - probably because with him, I was always looking forward to the next milestone, wishing his life away if you will. With my second son, I find myself desperately trying to hold onto his babyness, clutching onto every last baby trait I possibly can and I think this is all because the realisation has hit me that he very may well be my last baby.
After him there may be no more monthly milestone pictures to take, no big milestones to look out for, no more sleepy newborn cuddles, no more adorable little baby outfits and blankets - baby blankets are my absolute weakness, no more little baby feet, no more first birthdays to celebrate and no more pregnancies.
I think it's the 'no more pregnancies' part that is really playing on my mind and it's strange because I'll be the first to tell you that I hate pregnancy - the first made me feel like I was dying everyday and the second just made me want to sleep due to feeling like I was carrying a ton weight around - but do I really hate it after all?
I guess I hate the way pregnancy leaves me feeling, but in reality, I love all the rigmarole that goes with it - the scans, the guessing what/who your baby will look like, choosing names, being looked after by my partner, the feeling of having something to look forward to, the sickening excitement of knowing you could go into labour at any given moment... am I ready to say goodbye to that? I know my partner is, but for me, I don't know if I'm fully committed to putting my womb into redundancy just yet.
A baby's first birthday is such an emotional time for a mother - and perhaps for a father too, although this wasn't the case with my partner. I think it's the first big step towards a baby really 'growing up' and moving on that path to independence and becoming a proper little boy or girl with a whole personality and mind of their own.
I love the baby days, or months rather, and am left feeling so sad that they have passed by so quickly, but also so grateful for the beautiful memories and days we've had together over this past year.
So if you're like me and feeling quite sad and bittersweet on your baby's first birthday, rest assured that it's perfectly normal and expected.
It seems our boys were born on the same day, we had our little party yesterday & I totally hear what you're saying. Aaron is my first & i'm still very emotional, so can't imagine what I'd be like on my second / last 😭😭😙
ReplyDeleteLoving the honesty & beauty (beau) of your blog.
Grace (& Aaron)
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ReplyDeleteI totally hear you. My "baby" is going to be TEN this year. How did that even happen? My oldest is going to be THIRTEEN!!!!!!!!!!! What???
ReplyDeleteMilestones can be so emotional. I remember my daughter's first birthday like it was yesterday, and she's a sophomore now!
ReplyDeleteMy baby just turned 30 in February so I know how fast time goes by. Our oldest grandson graduates from high school this year and we just don't know how time went by so quickly. I heard this saying years ago and have always remembered the truth of it, "Go away cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
ReplyDeleteAw yes, it was always mixed feelings for me when my kids turned one. They just grow so fast. But at the same time, when they were one it meant they slept better, which was a huge plus for me.
ReplyDeleteA baby's birthday is really special. We really have to make it memorable and at the same time, make them feel loved.
ReplyDeleteBabies grow up so fast, but I only have a puppy for comparison. We celebrated my pup's first birthday with a pumpkin cake and he loved it.
ReplyDeleteI bet the time just flies by so quickly and while it is amazing to see them grow it is hard to feel it is happening all too quickly.
ReplyDeleteAww! So precious I still remember my kids first birthday! Now I want to cry!!
ReplyDeleteTotally understand what you're going through. I'm SO sad that I no longer have any babies in my home, but I don't think that I could go ahead with another pregnancy because of how much trouble I had during them, and how horrible I felt with some. It's like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Happy birthday to your smallest baby!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. Babies can grow incredibly! It always amazes me how babies develop.
ReplyDeleteI remember both of my kids first birthdays. It was so cool to see them grow but so sad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThe picture of the baby is so cute and adorable, yes, first child could lead to be pampered a lot more and is very emotionally attached, I can see parents go through it. But your honestly has just stolen hearts.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could pause my kid's growth and I agree with you that it's been harder with my second one as I know there will not be another one coming. Birthdays can be bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteMy girls are 4 and 5 but it seems like they turned 1 just yesterday. They are becoming independent and I am just not ready for it. I get how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI don't have babies yet but based on my friends and observations. Indeed they grow up so fast! -Anosa
ReplyDeleteI vividly remember all my kids' first birthdays. I cannot believe how quickly time went by. It was just like you just gave birth, then it is suddenly time to get a cake, buy balloons and buntings and celebrate a first birthday. Now they are all grown up and I miss those days when they were still cuddly, chubby little kids.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way and that's totally normal for Moms I guess. Time flies and babies do grow up very fast.
ReplyDeleteWith a little one on the way, I can totally relate with all the certain feels. I know for a fact I am very excited but wish for things not to change too fast so we can enjoy the stages. Awesome read and thank you for sharing this to us.
ReplyDeleteFirst birthdays are bittersweet, I agree. After that, everything happens at break neck speed. Suddenly they are in pre-school, then soon you'll be attending a high school graduation!
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