It hasn't been on my side as of late.
The minutes go by in a blur and my days pass by in what feels like whirlwind speed. I can't catch a break. I can't get anything I want to done.
The baby has been crawling for a month now and no stair gate has gone up. I've been wanting to teach my eldest to ride his bike but it sits in the shed not yet fixed. The freshly washed clothes sit atop my kitchen table as if it's some sort of waiting area and no matter how much of it I put away, there will always been another load there, just waiting... The kitchen floor is always full of crumbs, no many how many times I sweep them up and I feel like I run a café specifically for two small children - are they never not hungry, are they ever not eating?
Juggling everything is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be and I find myself not being able to breath, struggling for air in this 'work at home parent' role I've set up for myself. The fact of the matter is, I don't get any work done right now and it's bothering me, a lot.
I feel guilty if I don't play with the children, instead having to favour answering emails or doing the housework, simply because these things have to be done, but would I be so hard on myself if I had a 'normal' job and was away from them for many hours during the day? No, I don't think I would.
I think it's the 'staying at home' part that makes me think I'm failing, that makes me think that I have to shower my children with attention twenty-four seven - but this shouldn't be the case at all and I'm putting far too much pressure on myself.
It's a struggle to try and better yourself and essentially set up and run your own business when your main role is a parent.
Yesterday I held the baby, and I mean I really held him. I let him fall asleep in my arms and it was absolute bliss. In that moment I didn't even want to think about work, even though I had important emails waiting to be answered. I just wanted to breathe him in and stroke his perfectly soft, curly locks. In that moment I wanted time to stand still, but it didn't of course, his big brother came thundering in wanting a snack (honestly, do they ever stop eating?!). I need more moments like this and less moments of feeling stressed. It's a sad state of affairs when you're a stay at home parent and don't even have the time to sit and just be surrounded by your children, without having to think of the million and one things waiting to be done at that moment in time.
If we didn't have some sort of routine for meals and bedtime I really do think I'd crack up, but I hate that I have to be so rigid with these things just for my own sanity.
I've always wanted three children, but at this moment in time I honestly can't see how I could give time to another without neglecting the other two in some way. How do other people manage? Where do they find the time? These questions perplex me on a daily basis because I honestly don't see how they do it.
Maybe I don't manage my time well enough - I know I spend far too much time on my phone and this is something I would love to change, but when you're trying to establish a job for yourself in the online world, it's almost impossible to switch off from virtual space and put down the devices that connect you to this world.
Right now I'm struggling to do it all and I feel as though I'm going to burn out soon. Something has got to give and I hate the fact that things I love, such as photography, have had to be neglected to fit in my daily walk, something I have to do each day to try and lose weight.
I need to find a better work/life balance and try to separate my roles as parent, worker and person in my own right, to find some stability and not feel constantly dizzy by how fast time is passing me by.
