Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Neglectful Parenting | A Newly Accepted Form Of Parenting? ♥

*I'd like to begin this post by stating that I'm not judging any parent who has done the things I'm discussing in this post, just like I asked people not to judge me in my highly honest post on gender disappointment which I published last week. I understand that there are always things going on behind closed doors that others don't witness but the fact that I've seen so many things recently that have had me feeling as though they are bordering on neglect, I simply had to write this post.

There are many accepted parenting styles and if I was challenged to say which style I've adopted as a mother I'd probably say that I'm a mix of permissive and attachment. I don't expect a lot from my son but I do expect him to be respectful and caring towards others, I listen to his demands and try to meet them as best I can, I want him to see me as someone he can speak to rather than an authoritative figure and although my own mother tells me that - "you can never be friends with your child", I'll damn well give it my best try. I also co-sleep with him from time to time (he never wants to leave my side since I became pregnant) and did baby-wearing with him, the boy is always close to me and instead of finding it to be a 'rod for my own back' as people would say, I find it quite endearing that he always wants to be with me.

Last week my boy caught his baby finger on his toy pirate ship, you know, one of those injuries that is so teeny but hurts like a mother... that kind. I decided that only one thing would calm him down and make him forget his woes and cheer him up was to head for the playground. Now I usually avoid the playground in our town like the plague, if you can even call it a playground of course, it doesn't even have swings or a proper slide... but it was late in the afternoon and I didn't feel like driving to the next town to visit our usual haunt so we settled for the crappy 'playground' instead.

Once we arrived I was delighted to see that there were only three kids there, usually the place is ganged, however, I also noticed the distinct lack of adults. This playground is enclosed within a very busy and long car park, the gate can be easily opened by children and it's right next to an open quay with deep water too, so you can imagine my surprise at the lack of supervision for these children. It was a lovely, sunny evening, if a bit chilly, so there was no excuse for parents or guardians to be anywhere else other than the playground with their little darlings, where were they all?

Looking around I spotted a car parked not in a space but just a bit away from the playground railings with an older lady sitting inside - I'm guessing this was two of the children's grandmother. I was a bit taken aback that a grandmother of all people would leave her grandchildren off to their own devices - my Nan won't even let me take my son out to her garden without a bombardment of "hold his hand" and "make sure he doesn't fall!" being repeated at me, but there she was, sitting in the car, too far away to make sure the children were behaving themselves or were indeed okay on the playthings in the 'playground'...

At this stage the other little girl was making herself very vocal, bossing the other kids around and not letting them on the playthings, including my son. This is one thing which I dread about the playground, soft play, etc. as I've always taught my son to take turns, give other children a chance to play, etc. and usually other parents are very accommodating with this too, but where were this girls parents? Looking around the place some more in the hope that someone would come along and discipline the girl I saw two cars parked up next to one another, both with women inside having a smoke, chatting through the windows, I quickly figured out that one of these was the girl's mother. The little girl, who was at most three and half in age, opened the gate to the playground and walked out by the open quay to get to one of the cars. Well, my heart almost stopped, not only could she have fallen into the water, but she also left the gate open for other sprightly children to make their escape too. In fact, the girl went over to the railings by the water (which are very much open) and her mother still just sat in the car, shouting at her to "come back"... anyone with a toddler knows that this method of getting a child to return to you never works, so eventually she had to get off her arse and actually put her back in the playground herself.

It seems two instances of neglectful parenting/grand-parenting weren't enough for this half an hour in the playground... another car pulled up, this time parked a fair distance away from the playground itself and across the busy car park (the only free parking in the town so you can imagine how busy it is), a young woman basically dumped the child, a boy around the same age as my son, in the playground and told him she'd be back "in two minutes"... famous last words there. The boy repeatedly got fed up of playing on his own, opened the gate and actually ran across the car park to the car, only for her to dump him back in the playground again and again, it was so sad to watch. Every time she left and came back there was a distinctive smell of something illegal in the air too... (I've been to Amsterdam more than once so I'm familiar with the scent), so I don't know if she was smoking in the car, hence it being parked far away, but whatever she was doing, it was obviously far more important that playing with or supervising her child.

This was just one half hour at the playground and I had encountered three instances of neglectful parenting, in fact, I felt like the minority actually sitting there supervising my child, maybe I should have fecked off too... but I'd never do that, he's my son and it's my responsibility to look after him, make sure of his welfare and to mind him as best I can. I don't even let him walk out to our car on his own when it's parked in our driveway as I know cars speed down the road, I may be verging on the overly-cautious side of parenting but I'd rather that then neglecting him altogether. I thought that it was really sad that this neglect was happening at the playground, a place that should be a happy and safe place for children to be. Is this dumping of children at the playground a done thing? I'd never encountered it before last week and to be honest, I hope I never witness it again. These were all young children, if they're being left alone at this age what will happen when they're older?

In addition to the playground neglect I've lately also seen children, six and under, being left to roam busy roads after dark, being left walk home from school alone in the rain with no coat and being left in the car alone for long periods of time whilst their parents go and do the food shop. It may be convenient for parents to allow their children to do these things, but do I think they're right? Most definitely not. My son won't be roaming the roads after dark until he's at least a teenager, he'll be dropped and collected from school until he's at a responsible age to be able to walk home himself and he'll certainly be supplied with a coat! I never leave him alone in the car because I'd be terrified someone would break in and take him or that he'd free himself from his car seat and release the hand break or something equally as dangerous.

Once we give birth to or become a parent to a child it's our responsibility to look after them as best we can. As I said, there can be circumstances where children do just have to walk home in the rain - I remember having to do it as a child back in the 90's as my mother was a single parent with no car and the bus didn't stop for me, but the fact that I'm seeing obvious neglect of children on a daily basis just doesn't sit right with me. There were three people at that playground that evening neglecting the children they were looking after and putting them in danger of cars, deep water, etc. What could have been more important than minding them properly? A fellow mother who arrived after us even asked me if it was 'a done thing', she was as shocked as I was.

Maybe neglectful parenting is just an accepted thing these days. Parents are becoming lazier than ever and really, it's easier to sit on your ass than actually look after your child isn't it? However, I'll never accept it, I think it's awful and really does make me wonder why these people had children in the first place if they can't even do something which is naturally supposed to come part of the parcel of being a parent - actually looking after your child and making sure they're safe. The world is a dangerous place and to willingly put your child, or any child in your care, in unnecessary danger is just so wrong to me.

Have you encountered neglectful parenting recently? Do you think it's a rife as I now believe it to be?



  1. Dear lord, no! I've NEVER witnessed anything like this (or perhaps I'm not paying attention to it because I'm too busy making sure my two are not getting themselves into trouble?). Heavens, my jaw was dropped open reading those stories of the playground.

    I'll be honest, I HAVE seen kids being left in cars at the supermarket. That is something I would never entertain doing. I mean, how hard is it to take them in? Offer them an incentive like a hot choccie in the cafe if they're being really difficult? I drag my 2.5 and 4yo absolutely EVERYWHERE with me, unless their dad can take one or both of them. I don't hover over them in the playground unless they are in danger of killing themselves. But I AM present in the playground. I let them climb to their abilities, and wade in when I'm needed. I'm anally retentive about the playground gate, and will not let either of them out of my sight.

    Truly shocked. I hope I don't see anything like this in real life.
    Super post - thanks for writing and sharing your experiences. They have opened my eyes!
    Fiona @ Free Range Chick x

  2. I will admit I am a pretty layed back parent and when I saw the title I thought oh no i'm going to feel guilty in a min haha thinkng this post would be about something i am guilty of lol But OMG these examples are pretty jaw dropping! Who does these things! I get scared when my youngest goes on the slide incase he falls lol I can't imagine sitting away in the car i'm a hoverer lol x

  3. I agree parents are becoming so lazy! This is so bad it should not become the new done thing, so sad for the kids! X

  4. Can't believe what I'm reading. I didn't even think there was parents that would do these things. Our playground is fairly safe and divided into different sections for different ages. Now we haven't been to the playground in such a long time. But at all times even though the toddler area is sealed off with a fence I'm always by Matthews side stuck to him. Whether he goes down the slide or other things. That's the way it is and will be for at least a few years until he's old enough like you said.

  5. I don't even like leaving Elliot in the (locked) car while I pay for petrol, petrified someone will take him so I can't even imagine leaving him on his own in a playground whilst I sat in the car. It's very sad isn't it xx

  6. Thought I was the only one witnessing the "laid back" style of parenting. ... as a local with 2 under the age of 3 we visit parks regularly. .. but with the water so near and the long car park I always feel in edge there ... one thing I have noticed quiet a number of times is parents coming and letting there kids out of the car and just sitting in the car waiting for them it's awful , be it that your child is 2 or 7 shouldn't we at least be present in those wonderful memories there making ...

  7. Its shocking and awful isn't it? Ive seen quite a few things recently that make me feel so bad for some of the children in this world. Ive seen a 4 year old near me out on his bike, alone, near a canal at least 1/2 a mile from home, and a 5 year old cycling in the dark with no lights on her bike far away from her house too. I don't let my 5 or 6 year old's play in our front garden unsupervised, and I do worry that i am at the other end of the spectrum and overprotective, but at least my children are safe!

  8. Oh my god this is awful! I would never ever sit in a car while my children were at a park! I would have been heartbroken watching that little boy. Some people really do not deserve children at all. I have only just started letting my 13 year old go to the park alone never mind a toddler xx

  9. I'm shocked. I wouldn't dream of letting my little boy go off and play on his own without being close by at such a young age. I'm not great at leaving him with other people that I know, let alone to leave him unsupervised like that. Does make you wonder slightly why they think it's acceptable because to me, it really isn't!

    Rachel // http://illustratedteacup.com

  10. Nope i see it all the time and more often than not its usually because they are 'letting the children learn for themselves' or 'trying not to stifle creativity' FFS they are children and they need parenting.

  11. I have to admit, I haven't experienced this. Personally I could never do this, as I would want to keep an eye and make sure they are safe and playing nicely. What good can you be if you are the other side of a car park when they fall or worse?

  12. Yes it's completely rife and not just in Ireland. I've seen parents let their kids run riot with no discipline whatsoever. These are the very ones that will scream to high heaven when something happens.
    I've seen kids handed sweets and sent outside to play, where anything can happen. God forbid you scold another persons child for doing something wrong, when the parent is no where to be seen.
    Of course you can be friends with your children, the more you interact and talk them through things at each stage in their lives, the more likely they will come to you with their problems later. Not to mention the close bond you will have.

  13. You know... I talked about this on separate instances with my mom, husband and grandmother. All three of them have said that it's nothing new. Is it right? Of course not. My husband is a bit more lenient than I am, but in the examples you described, he's not THAT lenient. He's one of those guys who doesn't see anything wrong with an 8-10 year old walking down the road a few blocks to shoot some hoops by himself. Umm... no. Maybe with a few other friends, especially older kids, in a safe neighborhood. But 8-10 years old is still too young, in my opinion, to be left to their own devices. #1) Kids never do what they're supposed to. My husband was one of them, so he should know. I think when the time comes, he'll reevaluate the situation. LOL #2) It only takes 2 minutes for someone to take your child, and it's a lot easier if they're alone.

    There was one time, in McDonald's, where someone accused us of being neglectful. There is a playhouse that is separated by a glass wall & door. We were sitting on the other side of that glass wall, watching him, while we ate. We could see him from most angles unless he was up in the playhouse itself. Well, we didn't see him PUSH another kid. Needless to say, when a grandmother came up to tell us, we were not happy with him. The woman continued to tell us that we should watch our child. We kindly explained that we could SEE him through the glass. The entire wall was glass. And that if he was in the playhouse when it happened, we could have easily missed it from the other side of the glass as well. We went a got him, had him to apologize to the little girl, and decided we were going to leave. No more playtime. We don't let that slide! Come to find out, the mother was fine with it and the "grandmother" that came up to us wasn't even involved. Wasn't her grand kid. I let the mom that it indeed was not okay in our eyes. We don't condone pushing & hitting in our home, or any sort of hateful or bullying attitude. The "grandma" then came back up to us and kept on lecturing us about watching our kid. We told the woman, yet again, that it could have easily been missed no matter where we are, that we appreciated someone telling us, and that he is being punished for what he did. Apologies were made. We were leaving. He didn't get to play anymore because we don't condone hitting. She wouldn't let it go! Kept on and on and on... until finally my husband told her (in some not so nice words) to shut up. She slapped him! Of course, he didn't hit her back. We left without calling the cops. I was tempted, but we just wanted to go. The staff did absolutely nothing about her and told us that WE were the ones that would need to leave cause they couldn't ask her to leave. Not that we weren't planning to anyway but... yeah. So that's my little story of neglect. LoL And when it comes to everything with my son, that is the extent of "neglect" that we EVER do. He's always within view or in a safe area with other adults that we know personally.

    On another note, I have seen a lot of neglect lately. Even at a pool party last month (indoors). Sooo many kids, and only my husband and I and my cousin were watching our kids the entire time they were in the pool. The rest of the adults would peek over now and then. It's water! I just... don't get it. Maybe I am overprotective?

  14. Wow, I am a bit of a cruisy mum and do believe in giving my children place to explore, but this isn't a parenting style. This is just neglect plain and simple. Shameless that a loving responsible parent should be in the minority. It sounds like you are doing a great job as a Mom.


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