My Post-Natal Depression Experience ♥

I want to firstly say I am not writing this post for anyones sympathy or to hold a pity party for myself, I am writing this to be honest with my readers and hopefully make some people realise what it's like to be a new mother dealing with post-natal depression. 

I had read all about post-natal depression before I gave birth, in those booklets they give you in hospital. I was positive that it would never happen to me. I was overjoyed to be pregnant, even though it was a very hard, sickly pregnancy for me and I couldn't wait to meet my darling baby boy, but it happened. I didn't realise at first that I was suffering from post-natal depression, I thought it was just baby blues and that my body was still trying to smooth out all these hormones which it had built up over forty weeks of pregnancy.

 It began with crying when my fiance went to work, I couldn't cry in front of him as then he'd ask what was wrong and I really couldn't tell him the reason, to me there was none. At this stage Tyler Lee was a newborn and slept a lot throughout the day, I would just sit there doing nothing, lying on the couch crying, staring into space, feeling numb and not able to get myself out of this state, but before my fiance returned from work I would shake myself out of it and put on my pretend smile, during this time I became the perfect actress.

 I wouldn't leave the house and felt as though I was only safe within the four walls of the home, my own little cocoon where no one would bother me or judge me. As Tyler Lee got older things seemed better, I started making an effort to try and go for walks and began to lose weight, feeling a lot better within myself and my appearance but I would still cry, usually at sporadic times of the week and usually at night in moments where I felt useless, worthless and was riddled with self-hatred. 

Recently things have gotten worse again, I feel so trapped within this depression. I find it hard to leave the house and feel so guilty that I'm not taking the baby out for walks and showing him off to the world. When I look out the window and see the sun I wish it would rain so that would be a valid excuse for not going out. I comfort eat so my weight piles up and I'm now ashamed to say I'm the heaviest I ever was, it's sad to think I was thinner while pregnant. I lie awake at night and worry about something happening to Tyler Lee or I and constantly check the baby to see if he's breathing. I find every excuse under the sun not to meet with friends and try to avoid going out at all costs, all of my relationships are suffering because of this but I have told a few friends what I am dealing with and luckily they understand. I feel like I have no motivation, no inspiration to do anything and everything is a chore. I feel like everything in my life is going terribly and there is only one bit of light, my handsome baby boy who you've seen in many posts on the blog. He is my world. I want to get out from this terrible dark cloud I'm under so that I can be happy for him and my fiance and just have some normality to my life again.

 I have taken the step to speak to my doctor about all this and people say that is the most important step in all this, acknowledging something is wrong and trying to take the steps to get better. I hope I will get through this soon and until then I will keep trying, doing something each day that pushes me to my limits. 

Hopefully one day soon I'll wake up and want to leave the house, have the motivation to do the hundreds of things I'd like to do and have a real smile on my face rather than a pretend one. I love my little boy so much and will get through this for him. I am writing this post so that others who are suffering know there is nothing to be ashamed of, it is normal for some people to feel like this after pregnancy. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to on this subject don't hesitate to contact me, I will always reply.