Monday, November 06, 2017

The Baby We'll Never Know ♥

October is baby loss awareness month and it's always a strange month for me as it's the month when my baby should have been born.

We should be celebrating a birthday during this month, showering love upon, making memories and taking lots of pictures of our precious second child together, but they're not with us and they never will be. I say 'they' as I'll never know if the baby was a boy or a girl, 'they' seems the most appropriate way to refer to them, even though it's plural and confusing... to me it's not though and I guess that's what's most important.

The past few weeks that baby has been in my mind, filling my thoughts whenever I get a quiet moment - even though those are quite rare with a house full of small, loud and wild boys.

Whenever I see a robin or butterfly in the garden or near us on my outings with boys, I feel like that baby is saying hello and reminding me that I also had them... if only for a short while. Robins and butterflies seem to follow us constantly, I love that, it gives me peace.

I read so many baby loss stories and in comparison mine seems paltry and so much less painful... I've read of ladies who've carried their beautiful babies to full-term, only for their precious little ones to be born sleeping. I can't even the imagine the heartache that must bring and when I read their stories I feel silly for thinking about my own loss so much... yet I can't stop and three years on I wonder if I'll ever forget it.

I wonder if I'll ever forget that horrible sobbing I didn't when I was told "there's nothing there", the emptiness, the loss and the feeling of uselessness. That hospital cubicle seemed like the most sterile, unwelcoming and unfeeling place at that moment in time and hearing the sounds of babies heartbeats on dopplers almost screaming out of machines around me whilst being told I no longer had a baby was the most hurtful thing in the world.

The feelings of loneliness, sadness and curiosity that baby loss brings aren't easy to deal with. After I lost our baby I felt so alone. Even now I feel as though I can't even speak about that period of my life, even with Jacek, the person who I should be closest and most open with. I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about that baby too, but I'd never ask him, I think I'd feel embarrassed and hurt if I did and he didn't, because after all, it was his baby too. Do men think differently about these things? I just don't know. Some things are probably better left unsaid...

I always call Beau my 'second baby' and in some ways that's true, but is it disrespectful to our real second baby? No one really speaks of or refers to their miscarried babies though do they? It's like having a personal ghost - you know they're there and always will be, but no one else knows about them. Miscarriage is such a personal and private thing.

Life goes on, the children we already have or may have will grow up, we will get older and make so many memories throughout life, but that little piece of sadness, curiosity and painful memories will stay with me forever. It's like a little wound that never fully closes, but that no one else can see or ever feel.

3 comments

  1. I’m sorry you have had to go through this loss, it’s such a difficult thing to deal with and never truely goes away. I’m pleased to see more people sharing their stories, it not only helps others who are suffering, but I know it made me a stronger person to learn to speak about my losses xx

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    1. Thank you so much. I also think it's great that more people are sharing their stories of baby loss - both men and women. It somehow makes you feel as though you're not so alone. I'm sorry you've also suffered losses x

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    2. The reason I have a large age gap between my girls is I lost what the Dr realised Was twins at 4 months. You are right you feel like you shouldn't mention it but my girls know about it as they are older and neat adulthood themselves. But I never forgot my babies.

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