Friday, March 03, 2017

On Days When I Think I'm A Bad Mother... ♥

Life around here has become very busy as of late... Jacek is working every hour God sends - being gone from the house before myself and the children wake up, and returning when it's the boys bedtime, seeing them for ten minutes and two hours, respectively, each day.

These days I feel like a single mother, something which I actually resent as I'm not a single mother, nor the boys only parent, yet I am having to do everything on my own. I understand that Jacek has to work, he is the main provider for our household, but when those hours run into unpaid overtime, I would rather he was here helping me with the kids and spending time with them - something they both desperately want, instead of wasting time away doing something that doesn't even bring us extra income.

It's days like these when I become someone I really hate - a shouty mother. I honestly hate raising my voice, but being left alone with two young children day in, day out and being their sole carer, can be enough to drive anyone gaga. I try to keep my cool, be patient, understanding and attentive as best I can, but there are times when that shouter in me just has to come out and it's these times when I feel like a really bad mother.

After I've released the shouter I can feel guilt for hours after, agonising and reflecting on how I should have handled the situation better and not have resorted to shouting to get my point across, but the reality is, I'm human and the vocation of being a mother, whilst bringing a lot of joy and wonderful moments, can also bring a lot of bouts of frustration and "what the hell are you doing?!" moments.

There are days when I just want to stay in bed, days when Tyler chirping "Good morning Mummy, it's morning, get out of bed!" are not even enough for me to want to get up and begin the whole rigmarole that is parenting two young boys by myself again. There are times when I spend far too much time on my phone, not paying attention to the games Tyler's making up and acting out in front of me and I wish I could just put the phone down and join in with his imaginary scenarios - because believe me, he has an absolutely amazing imagination, but honestly, I don't really like playing his games, especially as they always seem to centre around his bloody toy washing machines... That's awful isn't it? What kind of monster doesn't even want to play with her own children?

Another parenting task which I fail on is dinner making... I can't even describe in words how much I hate making dinners, especially as it usually ends up being scraped into the bin and I'm left wondering why I even went to the both. Yet I know they need to be fed healthy, nutritious meals so I have to do it, but honestly, it really feels like, and probably will always feel like, a chore.

These are all the things that make me a bad mother.

It's days like these when I feel like the worst person in the world and am left on a complete downer.

On days like these it doesn't matter that I carried them both for nine months - not drinking, smoking, putting them in harms way, simply because I loved them before I even met them.

It doesn't matter that I get up with them both every morning, greet them with kisses and cuddles, get them fed and ready for the day ahead.

It doesn't matter that I plan days out for them, simply because I want them to have fresh air and some fun outside the house for awhile during the day. It also doesn't matter that these excursions usually end up meaning a drive to a playground half an hour away just because it's Tyler's favourite one.

On days like these it doesn't matter that I go down slides, climb up on things I'm far too big for, run after my eldest with him squealing "Catch me if you can!" in sheer delight, bring him to places which bring out all sorts of social anxiety in me simply because he enjoys being there and pretend to be a whole host of characters with funny voices, to make him and his baby brother laugh, even though I know I sound and look like a complete lunatic.

It doesn't matter that I do make them those dinners I hate doing so much, that we have warm, cosy snuggles on the couch, prolonged bath times purely because they enjoy splashing the bubbles all around the floor and 'washing the windows' (the shower door).

It doesn't matter that I read so many bedtime stories at Tyler's request that my voice is two minutes short of disappearing completely, that I tuck them both in, give them lots of love and happy thoughts that if they go sleep soundly "the fairies will bring them sweet dreams" and that I check on them multiple times during the night so I know they're safe and warm.

It doesn't matter that I do things simply to put a smile on their little faces, that they are my entire world and that I've basically neglected myself completely because I've been so focused on being there for them.

It doesn't matter that I cry over worry about them, especially Tyler at the moment, feeling helpless that I can't do anything to make things better or get the answers we so desperately need so we can make decisions about his future.

Nor does it matter that I give them everything - my time, my love, my money - because lets face it, it all goes on them.

On days when I think I'm a bad mother all these things don't matter, but really, they are the only things that should matter.

Yes I shout and it's awful, it makes me feel like the worst person on Earth. I'm not too keen on playing games, but I'm trying, simply because it makes the boys happy. Dinners will always be a chore for me but I still make them and maybe one day that cook waiting to be released inside me will be a bit more adventurous than the old reliables!

At the end of the day, us mother's are all just doing our best and if it involves raising our voices from time to time, preferring to scroll through Instagram instead of playing another game of washing machines and ordering a takeaway on occasions when dragging yourself to make a dinner that no one will eat, are just too much... then so be it.

All the things that make us good mothers far outweigh the bad and it will be the love and happy memories and experiences that we've created for our children that will stick in their minds forever, not the times that 'shouty mum' came out because nobody could do what they were bloody well told.

On these 'bad mother days' I will read this post and be reminded of all the good things I do for my two boys, because these are the things that truly matter.

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21 comments

  1. You definitely aren't alone. I have gone through a lot of the same struggles. When my second daughter was born, my husband was working full time and also pursuing his MBA. When she was 3 months old, my husband went to China for 3+ weeks as part of his MBA program. We don't have family to help out at all. So while we have some friends to help, it just isn't the same. I struggle a lot. My husband works a lot, and I work while the kids are in school. I feel like we are both exhausted all the time and there's never a break. I have a lot of days where I feel like I am a bad mother. Those times I've been sick and snappy with the kids (I have watched them from pneumonia to a broken tooth that had to be pulled). I've had days where I leave the house at 8am and I don't get back until basically 8pm. It's hard.. just know you aren't alone.

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  2. Every mom has these feeling and goes through felling alone sometimes. Difficult but be sure keep communication open.

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  3. Most days I feel like I'm a horrible mother. I have a teen and of course, he doesn't help with the attitude and I blow up!

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  4. As mothers, we are so quick to judge ourselves and our shortcomings. We need to look at the positive aspects as well!

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  5. Awww...I remember when I was a single mom, but with only one son - which is a bit easier - for me I always seemed to not have enough time - plus working - but I can feel what you're talking about to be sure - Big hugs

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  6. Some days are harder than others. I have two toddlers. You love them and take care of them and you are a good Mom. Sometimes I feel like it can get over whelming, but it is all worth it in the end. Wish your hubby would just come home unless he is hoping it will help him get promoted. I hope he isn't being taken advantage of.

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  7. I can totally relate to the single mom thing. My husband and I both work. He does the am shift where he gets the kids off to school then heads to work. I do the pm shift and get the kids off the bus and do dinner. We are like two passing ships in the night. Although I know that we did this to ourselves so that our children wouldn't have to go to a sitters, its still really hard to be a good mom when you feel like you are doing it alone.

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  8. I think we beat ourselves up as moms quite a bit. Chin up, you're doing GREAT! But I understand how you feel <3

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  9. There will be bad days but more good days, problems are there to be resolved and we move on. Dont beat yourself up about it, your doing great :)

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  10. I think every mom has these feelings from time to time. We are all just doing the best we can, how we can and thats all we can do! I have 7 and do basically everything on my own and sometimes I feel awful…. but I know I'm doing the best I can! - Jeanine

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  11. I always had these feelings then I would look at them and realize, I am doing my best and can learn from past experiences

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  12. I have these types of feelings a lot! I always try to remind myself of all the good things I am doing. - Ashley

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  13. am not a mother yet but i do understand what u mean. the only thing i can say is always be positive

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  14. I go through this feeling almost everyday..I just try to give the best I can as a mother and a wife.

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  15. I think it's natural for mothers' to have these feelings. All you can do is stay positive and learn from past experiences.

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  16. Oh Fi I completely relate, I'm not actually alone all day but I might as well be for all the help I get these days! And that feeling of being a terrible mother because I actually HATE playing games with Tyne...I feel awful! Who hates playing with their child?! But I do because he doesnt play properly yet, the games drag on, I have to sit on the floor where Im uncomfortable and where the other kids climb all over me and pull my hair, and its just boring...and it makes me awful, as though no other mother feels that way.
    So just to hear that I'm not alone in that has made me feel better! xx

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    1. Popping back from #SundayBest, hope to see you again tomorrow! x

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  17. You're so not alone in feeling like thIs, I especially have been feeling like this a lot recently and really hate being a shouty mum. Thank you for linking up to #SundayBest x

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  18. I know this feeling - it's tough - sometimes I have to hide in the walk in closet and scream into a pillow! Self care is important and making time for yourself to relax and unwind after a busy day with kids. I read this quote recently: Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain! Ha. x

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  19. Gosh I so needed to stumble across this wonderful post today, just to feel like I'm normal (whatever that is). I've had a yet off on mat leave with my two little ones born 18m apart and I feel like I've failed in this year. My toddler is having meltdowns over everything. Food also goes in the bin. I try to play but can't think of new things to do with them when we can't get out. Yet I am about to go back to work and know I'm going to miss all he small moments you've mentioned. For these are the things that count. Urgh. Parenting is so hard isn't it?!

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  20. It is such a challenging role and for me it is the lack of respite that is the killer. I do think it helps to ask for support online and offline and in really precise terms too. I also think it is so worth keeping an eye on your mental wellbeing and at the first time of trouble seeking help from the GP and so on but I also know that is far easier said than done. There are not perfect parents and good enough is good enough

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Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment. I appreciate all your comments and try to reply whenever I can.

Peace & love,
Fiona
xo

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