It's almost six weeks since I became a mother for the second time and since then I've been on a learning journey of sorts. I've been learning all about my new baby boy, getting to know each and every aspect of his personality, his likes, his wants and needs. I've been learning how to reassure my biggest baby that he's still a very special part of mummy's life and that I will always have time to make him happy and feel loved, included, secure. And although my days are consumed with looking after my two precious boys and tending to their every need, I've also been on a learning journey of my own too, realising what I'm really like as a person, what I need to get on well in life and what really matters the most to me.
I've learned that I thrive on routine and I really can't function without it. I'm one of those weird people who loved school, not because I was learning new things or meeting up with my friends or boyfriend at the time, but because it had a rigid routine and that was good for me. I have a great routine going with the boys and I'll be trying my best to keep it that way - I'll be sharing a post about it soon. Tyler Lee is in that awkward toddler stage where his sleep is a bit disturbed and he can be prone to a tantrum or whinging outburst at any time and I think the routine has really helped to calm his behaviour too. It was hard going with him for a time, he was just lashing out for no apparent reason, but life is much better with him now and I'm thanking the routine for contributing somewhat to this positive change.
I've learned that I'm more than capable of looking after two young children on my own. I can't even begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I had worrying about how I would cope on my own with the two of them whilst Jacek was at work, how I would get out of the house on time (or at all) for dropping Tyler Lee to preschool, I even worried about how I get them both in and out of my little three door car, but I'm proud to say I'm actually doing great, better than I expected. Yes it can be very stressful at times, especially when one is in need with something but I'm busy with the other and then trying to judge whose need is more urgent at the time, but it's actually easier than I thought it would be and I worried for nothing.
I've also learned that I really shouldn't doubt myself so much. This is something I do a lot and I really should stop. I mean, why not me? Why should I already disqualify myself for something before even trying. I do it so much with the blog and opportunities that may arise too. It's something I'm trying to overcome and hopefully soon I'll have the confidence to not put myself down or doubt my abilities again.
I've learned that everything doesn't have to be perfect. I'm such a perfectionist, everything has to be 'just so' and my way and if it's not it bothers me, but since having Beau I think I've calmed down on this aspect of my personality a lot. One thing I've very finicky about is my photography, I was always under the impression if it's not perfect then it's no good at all, and although I don't use my camera everyday I've been capturing the most special moments on my phone camera, all marred with imperfections, but it doesn't even bother me anymore, I've realised that the moment is much more important than the capture. I've also come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a Pinterest-worthy house, not with two rowdy boys!
I've learned that money doesn't grow on trees and not to be so wasteful with it. Jacek and I have begun looking towards the future, have talked seriously about finally getting married and applying for a mortgage and everything else we want to save for. We've opened up credit union accounts for the boys so that we can save for them and I've begun contributing to my own one again too, something I haven't done for years.
I've learned that things are just things and that memories are worth far more. Before I was insistent on buying things we really didn't need just because they were in fashion or because I decided we needed to have them - we really didn't. I was inspired and spurred on by pictures on Instagram and Pinterest and decided that I just couldn't resist all that lovely stuff... now the house is full of things that go unused and it's shameful to see. I've begun selling them on now but I'm not going to be buying things just for the sake of it again. I'd rather we saved the money or used it to have days out or holidays with the boys, after all, the memories we make together are priceless, so what could make me happier?