Thursday, June 04, 2015

Lately... ♥

The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from your child

Life lately hasn't been fantastic if I'm honest. I have been in the worst mood and I don't even know how to snap out of it. I half want to be left alone by people and half want to be embraced and told everything will be alright and just have a chat, a proper chat where it isn't just one person talking at another, an actually friendly chat - is that so hard to find?

Last night and this morning I expressed on my social media my discontent for all I do at the moment, particularly blogging, it just isn't what it used to be for me and I really am putting this all down to my awful mood. I just sit staring at the screen, not able to write, edit pictures, nothing, it's become such a task and it's annoying, it's more than bloggers block, it's just as if I can't even be bothered anymore. 2015 was supposed to be my year of positivity but unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control have made this another hard year. 

I don't share every aspect of my life on the blog because I don't think anyone is particularly interested in all the negative crap and because this is supposed to be my 'happy place' but everything is now getting on top pf me and I feel like I need to vent so I'm just going to type it all out.

For over a year my mother and stepfather have been separated and I have been in the middle of all their arguments. One turns to me to give out about the other and I feel so in the middle, I want to be the peacemaker and just want everyone to get along but it's not going to happen, it's like they despise each other and I hate it. My poor brother, who we never thought would leave home, has left the house to live with his girlfriend just to get away from it all and I can't help feeling upset by the whole bloody saga, it just seems to go on and on and all this negativity, bitching, fighting and name calling is no good for anyone.

I think the whole thing hurts so much because growing up I always wanted a normal, 'perfect' family - mother, father, children... but you see, this is the second separation and divorce I am having to go through in my life, the first being that of my parents. I always remember being a little girl and waiting for my Dad in the porch on a Sunday to come and pick me up, it seemed so exciting at the time but now I realise that all I wanted was my family together. I hated having a stepfather at the time and hated that all our family members had different surnames, apart from my brother and I who shared the same. When I had my son I finally thought that I would have that normal, 'perfect' family and that he would grow up with loving grandparents, but no, this isn't to be either and if I'm honest that upsets me more than anything. 

There will be no more family Christmases - why bother celebrating at all when everyone hates each other? At big family occasions I now have three people to keep away from each other - my Mam, Dad and stepfather. We no longer have Sunday dinners and chats in the garden because no one is ever around anymore, all keeping away from the house to stay away from each other and the arguments that ensue. If I'm honest the whole thing has put me off marriage, something I always thought I'd want in life but after witnessing two marriage breakdowns in my life, why would I want to grow to hate my husband? I was also told this week that a certain family member came out with the words - "I don't care about Tyler or anyone of you, you all have nothing to do with me", after twenty odd years of having this person in my life that hurt, a lot, even if it was just said in anger.

This is just one of the elements of my life which is bringing me down and quashing my spirit. I've spoken recently about the loneliness I've been feeling again and if I'm completely honest I still feel this way. I feel like all I have in the world is my little boy, that curly haired angel who gives me loves and cuddles throughout the day, probably because he can feel the tension building up inside me. 

I need him as much as he needs me, because if I didn't have him, who else would there be?


  1. I don't really know where to start, but here goes anyway. My Mum raised my sister and I alone. She had and has some serious issues, and it's only as I see my own boys growing up that I realise how shitty our childhood was. I get so angry sometimes about the way she was and is, so full of negativity, always a complaint or moan and never encouraging or supportive or hopeful. I actually don't like her very much, if I weren't related to her I wouldn't bother with her. As it is she has little interest in her grandkids, lives 40mins away and sees them once a month, always an excuse. I have come to the realisation that she has given me a gift - I almost have a rulebook on how NOT to do it. There comes a time when you realise that you are an equal adult. You're not "the child". You've branched out and started your own little family. Tell your folks that they need to settle their own problems between them. Don't let this ruin your relationship or thoughts about marriage, I know from me I'm extra careful about not letting things brew or about talking and sharing because it wasn't done in our house. You don't need this negativity, it's not fair. Sorry for the essay!

  2. Oh Fiona, this broke my heart to read. I'm so sorry you're going through a horrible time. I completely understand, although in a slightly different way. I grew up having a grandmother and step-grandfather and a HUGE extended family full of step-relatives who I adored. We saw them regularly and I always thought that through my whole life I would always have this massive amazing family where we all treated each other as full relatives. Sadly two years ago my grandfather passed away, and since then I've only seen two of those dozen or so step-relatives since the funeral. My grandmother had a huge argument with them over my step-grandfather's end of life care and funeral plans, and since then she doesn't like us seeing them. She doesn't understand how hard it is for us kids, to feel as though we've lost an entire family rather than just our grandfather. The two we did see we had to see and not tell my grandmother about it! It was awful.

    People can be very selfish, you just have to do what's best for you and Tyler. Everyone is hurting and there isn't anything you can really do other than support your mum, and create new memories as a new family unit. Remember that despite the horrid words being thrown around, everyone is just hurting and not really sure how to deal with things properly.

    Big hugs!

    C x | Lux Life

  3. Those words must have stung. Phases like these are awful to go through, but, usually, things DO get better ;-)

  4. Sorry to hear you aren`t feeling very happy. I read a while back about you losing friends that you thought you would have for a long time. That happened to me too. Its only now that my oldest is at school that I met a couple of mums who are now very good friends. Life can be hard especially when family issues occur. I love your blog and can tell how much hard work you put into it. Your love for your son shines through too. I hope things get better for you soon. If you ever fancy a virtual coffee and cake chat, drop me an email.
    Hugs Dx

  5. Ah Fi, so sad to hear this. All I can say is I've been here, a lot younger than you are now and but it was so hard. You need to tell them both exactly how you fell, that's if they don't read your blog.

    Sending virtual hugs, cake and wine xxxx


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