The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from your child
Life lately hasn't been fantastic if I'm honest. I have been in the worst mood and I don't even know how to snap out of it. I half want to be left alone by people and half want to be embraced and told everything will be alright and just have a chat, a proper chat where it isn't just one person talking at another, an actually friendly chat - is that so hard to find?
Last night and this morning I expressed on my social media my discontent for all I do at the moment, particularly blogging, it just isn't what it used to be for me and I really am putting this all down to my awful mood. I just sit staring at the screen, not able to write, edit pictures, nothing, it's become such a task and it's annoying, it's more than bloggers block, it's just as if I can't even be bothered anymore. 2015 was supposed to be my year of positivity but unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control have made this another hard year.
I don't share every aspect of my life on the blog because I don't think anyone is particularly interested in all the negative crap and because this is supposed to be my 'happy place' but everything is now getting on top pf me and I feel like I need to vent so I'm just going to type it all out.
For over a year my mother and stepfather have been separated and I have been in the middle of all their arguments. One turns to me to give out about the other and I feel so in the middle, I want to be the peacemaker and just want everyone to get along but it's not going to happen, it's like they despise each other and I hate it. My poor brother, who we never thought would leave home, has left the house to live with his girlfriend just to get away from it all and I can't help feeling upset by the whole bloody saga, it just seems to go on and on and all this negativity, bitching, fighting and name calling is no good for anyone.
I think the whole thing hurts so much because growing up I always wanted a normal, 'perfect' family - mother, father, children... but you see, this is the second separation and divorce I am having to go through in my life, the first being that of my parents. I always remember being a little girl and waiting for my Dad in the porch on a Sunday to come and pick me up, it seemed so exciting at the time but now I realise that all I wanted was my family together. I hated having a stepfather at the time and hated that all our family members had different surnames, apart from my brother and I who shared the same. When I had my son I finally thought that I would have that normal, 'perfect' family and that he would grow up with loving grandparents, but no, this isn't to be either and if I'm honest that upsets me more than anything.
There will be no more family Christmases - why bother celebrating at all when everyone hates each other? At big family occasions I now have three people to keep away from each other - my Mam, Dad and stepfather. We no longer have Sunday dinners and chats in the garden because no one is ever around anymore, all keeping away from the house to stay away from each other and the arguments that ensue. If I'm honest the whole thing has put me off marriage, something I always thought I'd want in life but after witnessing two marriage breakdowns in my life, why would I want to grow to hate my husband? I was also told this week that a certain family member came out with the words - "I don't care about Tyler or anyone of you, you all have nothing to do with me", after twenty odd years of having this person in my life that hurt, a lot, even if it was just said in anger.
This is just one of the elements of my life which is bringing me down and quashing my spirit. I've spoken recently about the loneliness I've been feeling again and if I'm completely honest I still feel this way. I feel like all I have in the world is my little boy, that curly haired angel who gives me loves and cuddles throughout the day, probably because he can feel the tension building up inside me.
I need him as much as he needs me, because if I didn't have him, who else would there be?