It finally hit me last night just how lonely I still feel, one and a half years on since I wrote my post about the unexpected loneliness of becoming a mother. During this past year and a half I've had to concern myself with trying to over my depression and crippling anxiety, looking back now I realise how terribly bad I was and I had no one to help me through but myself, whilst also looking after my son almost single-handedly. I had to get better not only for myself but for my son too, he needs a happy, healthy mother... but these feelings of loneliness just won't go away and they have eaten into my heart and spirit with such force that I can't pretend that I'm not craving the company and attention of someone, anyone, anymore.
I now make the effort to get out of the house everyday, occupying my time with my budding passion for photography and trying to capture the beauty of the world around me, however, there is always a sadness in my heart when I return home, all I have for company is the computer and all the people in the virtual world on the other side of its screen.
I have my son, of course, but he cannot yet talk and there are days when I just lust after some adult conversation, some laughs and banter, a chance to actually be listened to and feel that I at least have a friend in this world... sadly, this doesn't happen often. I have three friends who are all very busy ladies and if I'm honest I don't like to bother them when I know just how busy they are. I've lost my two best friends since I had my son and even if I say that 'it doesn't matter, it's just what happens when people get older', it still bloody hurts, a lot.
Today my mother said to me that she knows I'm not happy - funny how a mothers instinct is always right. I'm not happy no, I feel like a single mother day in, day out even though that's not supposed to be the case. I feel like all I have in the world is my little son and funnily (or not so in this case) enough I prophesied this when I was pregnant with him, I knew it'd just be him and I each and every day. Even when my other half is around I feel as though I may as well be invisible, I feel so abandoned. To combat the loneliness I began reading again and when I read about the way the author describes his main character loving his wife I realised that I don't even have an ounce of that in my life, love should never be lonely or lazy, sadly in my house though it is... no words, protests or efforts by me to fix this seem to mend what's broken either, I don't know where to go from here...
I'm twenty-five and I'm lonely and sadly, I think I'm far too old to go out and try to meet new friends - there are no people in the places I go, the meadows, fields and beaches of my island and surrounding areas aren't exactly jam-packed with potential friends, and I guess I do like the solitude but sometimes it all becomes too much, like today. My phone never rings, I don't get any texts, no one calls to my house except my stepdad when he's in need of a chat... I'm always there for people to speak to when they need to, but who's there for me?
As I sat today amongst the daisies, making daisy chains like I did during my schooldays and admiring the beauty around me, the sun shining warmly on my face, I had to think back and wonder where it all went wrong for me. I used to be such an outgoing child, one who loved to speak to people and make new friends but that girl is no more, instead she is lost in solitude and has only her own, cheerful son to pass the days by with.
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world and I'd never wish it upon anyone...