|Like the only picture of the three of us in FOREVER, this needs to change, pronto.|
Lately I've been having a hard time, I'm not going to lie it's been absolutely awful. I feel selfish for even writing this as I've known so many people this year who've lost loved ones and had their lives completely torn apart by grief but when you think of your own problems they always seem so catastrophic don't they? I'm sure every person feels like there's no end in sight when it comes to their own problems and a bought of selfishness creeps in where you can do nothing but fixate on all that is wrong, at that point you can't even spare a thought for others even though your problems may appear menial compared to theirs. Things can be tough especially when you don't open up to anyone or have anyone to say "don't worry, it'll all be fine". I feel so stressed everyday and a lot of the time I let things get on top of me, things which usually won't bother other people but when you're pushed to breaking point even the littlest of things can seem like mountains ahead. This feeling of stress has now crept into my sleeping time where I lie awake worrying and wake up multiple times during the night for no reason and then can't get back to sleep again due to the worrying... it's a catch 22 situation and a never ending roundabout of anxiety.
2014 has been a terrible year for me, I feel like 2013 was the best year of my life welcoming my little angel to the world and getting what I always really wanted in life, a proper family - father, mother and baby. This year has seen major changes in my family, not my two boys and I but with my relations and I feel so caught in the middle. I wonder how other people can have such perfect lives and families, the same perfect families I was so jealous of as a child because I had a broken family, but then again you never know what goes on behind closed doors do you? I've tried to be a peacekeeper, a middle man, a neutral side but it's so hard to keep everyone happy. I can't see any resolution in the near future but all I hope is that one day everyone will be able to get along, it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that you're losing your family, all that you've ever known and you can't change it at all. I've also had some major financial problems this year and debt, most of which I've now managed to pay off but lying awake at night not being able to sleep because of money worries is the worst feeling in the world. I worry about what pressure I'm putting on my boys and I, especially Jacek and I feel like such a burden at times. If only money really did grow on trees... I've also had some health issues this year and am on medication which makes me feel like a sleep deprived zombie, longing for my bed the minute I get out of it and having no energy for anything. This probably irritates me the most out of everything as I feel like such a useless mother being to tired to go for walks with my boy or go on any adventures like we used to.
All of these things which make me feel so depressed, hopeless and worried get pushed aside when I spend time with Jacek and our son. I've learned this year that I need to find time and reflect on what's important - my own family. Nothing else compares when it comes to them and as long as we have each other that's all that should matter. We've already begun making plans for 2015 and it's already shaping up to be a better year than disappointing and depressing 2014. 2015 is our year for living life to the fullest and I really can't wait for January 1st to appear. The love of my own little family is what has gotten me through the dark days and it's a cliche but I really would be lost without them. Jacek is my rock, my support and my best friend (so rose-mantic I know!) and Tyler Lee is my dawn in the darkest of days, that boy brings me so much joy, he really is my angel. Ultimately nothing else matters - not other people, not the materialistic things, not the money, the debt, the health issues or the feelings of being let down and hopelessness, as long as I have my boys and their love in my life I have all I really need. It's better to be poor in everything else but rich in the love of your family for you can have everything in the world but could anything else ever compare to the love of a significant other and/or your own child, for me the answer is no.