Friday, May 09, 2014

He Pulls At My Heartstrings & Fills Me With Fear ♥

Today I had a lovely day with my boy, we didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary but it was just a lovely day, he was in a great mood and our time together seemed so calm and heart-warming. People close to me will know that I suffer from terrible anxiety, it can be quite crippling in my life and I worry about everything, especially my little son. My anxiety was made a thousand times worse when he was born, not his fault but it was all part of being a mother, responsible for another life and most days being his sole carer. Funnily enough I am quite an easy going parent when it comes to the day time, I leave my boy explore the garden, walk around on his own, have his independence but once his bedtime comes I actually can't deal with the anxiety and the fear of losing him. I have a inbuilt terror that once I put him to sleep he'll never wake up, very irrational I know but it is my biggest fear. I think losing a child is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to someone and I have enormous sympathy for anyone who has gone through the loss of a child, it's something so heart-breaking that not even time can repair.

 This evening was different, after our very calming and lovely day together my boy did something he never does at bedtime, something which spurred me to write this post to remember this moment and realise how silly I was being worrying about him in years to come when he's a being a moody teenager and not wanting to be seen with me. I lay him down, he snuggled up to his comforters, I then walked to his door and stood there blowing him three kisses like I do every night, he then mumbled his version of 'I love you' and began waving goodbye at me with a look of sadness on his little face. I immediately burst into tears, I don't know why but I think him waving goodbye really got to me and I felt like this was the last time I'd ever see him, in fact I'm still sniffling away as I write this with the door wide open so I can hear his bedtime music lulling him to sleep. I then rushed over to him and took his hand and told him not to say bye bye. He stood up then and gave me a hug, looking at me with a pondering expression as to why I was crying. He really must think I'm such a silly, curious mumma and at this moment I think I'm quite silly too but I really couldn't stop the tears and I'm really surprised at how out of the blue and fast they came once he had waved at me.  I thought my anxiety had improved but I think thought made a fool out of me. When it comes to my little boy my heartstrings are well and truly pulled at and my panic mode is always on, especially when it comes to bed time. 

Tyler Lee I love you, please don't say "bye bye", I prefer "see you in the morning" my little angel man.

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11 comments

  1. Aww Fiona that brought me too tears I completely understand the crippling fear they ring upon us, it never truly leaves us but over time it does get easier xxx really great piece

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  2. aww it melts my heart everytime my little man says Love you mummy and always brings a tear to my eye.
    I think as parents we all at some point just wish we could wrap them up in 1000 layers of bubble wrap and protect them forever.

    Lovely post!

    Jess
    http://owlcrazymummy.blogspot.co.uk

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  3. I always keep telling everyone that hugs have a magic power!
    We all should hug more, don't you think?

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  4. Tyler Lee is the most adorable little boy! I'm filled with paranoia about my puppy being stolen from me or getting hurt/ill or worse so I can see why you get anxious at night time about your baby boy! He sounds like such a sweetie, bless him xxx

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  5. Completely understand you, I get that knot every time I put the boys to bed and I still get it with Shane and he's 9. I think it's part of being a Mam, you'll always have the worry, but you learn to live with it and you learn to not let it ruin any of your experiences with the little ones. Think of the lovely morning smile you're going to get in a few hours :) xx

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  6. Aww Fiona this is just so sweet. I know I'd be exactly the same because I suffer with anxiety too. I'm sometimes like that with my parents which sounds crazy - I worry when my mum is away from home for a few days! So strange seeing as I lived in the UK away from my parents for three whole years ;)

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  7. I am exactly the same way. It consumes me so much. Sometimes if Tyne has been quiet for a while I make Jon go up and check him (even though he has an angelcare breathing monitor and a video monitor on him....), and I sit chewing my nails until he comes back down....terrified.

    Its horrible. Its part of what i`m having counselling for actually.

    I can only hope for both of us it somehow gets a little easier over time?!

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  8. Tyler Lee is so sweet. He really looks like an angel :)

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  9. Hi Fiona I`m exactly the same. I had mild anxiety before my children were born but now its a lot worse. Its awful to suffer. When I`m at home with my two its lovely but going out and taking my oldest to nursery is really hard. Being a parent is wonderful but is also a constant worry.
    Px

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  10. Awww Fiona, I understand the anxiety and fear and I think its normal for such a caring and loving parent like you. I am still feeling the effects of the letter you wrote to your son the other day really touched my heart. x

    http://ajulydreamer.com

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  11. My mummy is exactly the same. She still pokes me if I am sleeping deeply and breathing quietly. If my baby monitor is quiet, because I am sound asleep, she has to come up and check me! You sound a lovely mummy too xx

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Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment. I appreciate all your comments and try to reply whenever I can.

Peace & love,
Fiona
xo

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