Today I had a lovely day with my boy, we didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary but it was just a lovely day, he was in a great mood and our time together seemed so calm and heart-warming. People close to me will know that I suffer from terrible anxiety, it can be quite crippling in my life and I worry about everything, especially my little son. My anxiety was made a thousand times worse when he was born, not his fault but it was all part of being a mother, responsible for another life and most days being his sole carer. Funnily enough I am quite an easy going parent when it comes to the day time, I leave my boy explore the garden, walk around on his own, have his independence but once his bedtime comes I actually can't deal with the anxiety and the fear of losing him. I have a inbuilt terror that once I put him to sleep he'll never wake up, very irrational I know but it is my biggest fear. I think losing a child is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to someone and I have enormous sympathy for anyone who has gone through the loss of a child, it's something so heart-breaking that not even time can repair.
This evening was different, after our very calming and lovely day together my boy did something he never does at bedtime, something which spurred me to write this post to remember this moment and realise how silly I was being worrying about him in years to come when he's a being a moody teenager and not wanting to be seen with me. I lay him down, he snuggled up to his comforters, I then walked to his door and stood there blowing him three kisses like I do every night, he then mumbled his version of 'I love you' and began waving goodbye at me with a look of sadness on his little face. I immediately burst into tears, I don't know why but I think him waving goodbye really got to me and I felt like this was the last time I'd ever see him, in fact I'm still sniffling away as I write this with the door wide open so I can hear his bedtime music lulling him to sleep. I then rushed over to him and took his hand and told him not to say bye bye. He stood up then and gave me a hug, looking at me with a pondering expression as to why I was crying. He really must think I'm such a silly, curious mumma and at this moment I think I'm quite silly too but I really couldn't stop the tears and I'm really surprised at how out of the blue and fast they came once he had waved at me. I thought my anxiety had improved but I think thought made a fool out of me. When it comes to my little boy my heartstrings are well and truly pulled at and my panic mode is always on, especially when it comes to bed time.
Tyler Lee I love you, please don't say "bye bye", I prefer "see you in the morning" my little angel man.