Friday, April 11, 2014

Parenting - A Tale Of Three Constant Feelings ♥

 As a parent you will feel a barrage of different emotions each day you spend with your child. From the moment you set eyes on that little cherub you were most probably filled with delight at finally seeing them in the flesh, scared at the responsibility you had obtained of being the protector of this little one for life and exhausted at the effort you put in to aiding them their journey into the world, it's safe to say babies can bring waves of overwhelming emotion but as my son gets older I notice that three feelings stand out from the rest, these three are constant no matter what day it is - love, worry and guilt.

I feel an immense sense of love for my son, he is perhaps the only person in this world I could say I truly feel the emotion of love for. Of course, I love my fiance, family and friends but that is a different kind of love. I could look at my son and I cry over the love I feel for him, other people aren't so lucky to dwell up that emotion from inside me, good thing too otherwise I'd constantly be a blubbering mess. He is the only person in the world who I could watch endlessly, who I look at and immediately think "my God you're beautiful" everytime, the only person who will ever know how I truly feel for him because I'll do my best to express it and tell him each day what he means to me. The love I feel is a mother's love and it is something which shall always remain no matter whether we're apart, on different ends of the Earth, he will always be my boy and I'll always be his mammy, a role which I will only ever be to my children, something which is extra special.

However, hand and hand with the happy clappy, lovey dovey, fairytale-like emotion of love comes the constant feeling of guilt. This is the one which causes the sad moments, the 'I'm not doing it right' moments, the sleepless nights, the second guessing myself and the feeling which causes me to want to change my own daily habits. I feel so guilty for spending so much time on the internet - my one true vice, for not going on as many walks as we should, for giving him an organic ready meal instead of making one from scratch myself, the list continues... I never even thought when I was pregnant that guilt would be something I would feel throughout my journey of parenthood but there you go, this boy has gotten into my mind and having him here is urging me to change my ways, well feck it anyway! I notice so many of my fellow mothers also express their feelings of guilt with one another, I guess we're just hoping for some sort of reassurance that this pestering guilt is just a self-conscious annoyance and we really are the best mammy we can strive to be.

Finally there is the feeling which you are sure to have for a lifetime once you become a parent - worry. The minute your baby is placed in your arms after birth you're worrying - are they too hot, too cold, are they hungry, will they be okay if you just run to the bathroom for two minutes, will they be okay as they sleep, why are they getting sick, is there something wrong... it only gets worse and more intense as they get older. Amazingly I already worry about the day my son goes to pre-school, wondering will he be okay with strangers, people who don't know his routine, will he settle into it. I actually dread to think about his teenage years, mother of God I'll be a nervous wreck if he's out past nine o' clock! Would it be going too far to put a GPS tracking on him I wonder... I joke of course but really with the horror stories I'm constantly reading no wonder I'm such a worrying Wilma! If I didn't worry I wouldn't be doing my job of being his protector now would I but when does this worry pass the 'normal' mark, I don't want my son to be like a boy in a bubble, the cotton wool would be too much effort to wash. I knew he needs his independence as he grows but my apron strings will always be in reach if he decides he needs his mammy.

No matter what other feelings I experience throughout my sons life I always know that my good ole friends love, guilt and worry will be constantly there, making me nit-pick my parenting skills, smothering my son with I love you's and being that annoying Irish mammy who gives a Spanish Inquisition-like question round before allowing him to leave the house and a Mastermind-like quiz on his return. Would I have it any other way? Quite simply, no.


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22 comments

  1. Beautiful post Fiona - I have all this to look forward too, how exciting/terrifying! xx

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    1. Thank you Ellie! Best of luck with your parenting journey :)

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  2. You totally nailed it. I oscillate between all 3 of those states!
    Now one of my babies is 17 and a half! And the other 9, and I remember feeling terrified about teenage years and growing up and GPS tracking! All I can say is that for me, as a parent you grow as they do. My eldest now does things that once seemed unthinkable (going to different towns on the bus, getting from A to B, just being more independent). Basically I handled her requests like I was a risk assessor! And I always insisted she let me think on my decision, so I could work through whether or not my visceral NO was justified. Tis tough, but you adapt. Wings and roots Fiona!

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    1. Oh Vicki, I love how you put it - wings and roots. You're so brave letting her go on the bus by herself, I know it's a normal part of growing up and she is 17 but I dread to think about that stage! Eeek!

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  3. What a lovely post this is x
    www.beautyqueenuk.co.uk

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  4. lovely blog! my "baby" is 21 now and it doesn't get any easier! he is away at university but I still find it hard to sleep when I know he is having a night out! thankfully, he is sensible and isn't a party animal!

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  5. I agree completely. I think children have such different opportunites now as well, especially with all the IT. I totally plan to secretly have my children's passwords for all social media, and I think you can get tracking devices for phones. I kid you not. My eldest is nearly four. It will be interesting to see if I outgrow this plan, but I doubt it! #binkylinky

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  6. I can relate to your post! A nice one =) #binkylinky

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  7. great post. I read a quote once which fits well with this: “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
    ― Elizabeth Stone

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  8. Great post and I agree with all 3 in the exact same order!! Thanks for linking up #binkylinky

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  9. I have nominated you for the most inspiring blog award - I love reading your blog xx http://www.mummy2monkeys.co.uk/2014/04/woohoo-inspiring-blog-award.html

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  10. Great post - Mummy says she can relate to every one of them and is scccaarrrreeeddd Ax

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  11. OOO this post was very touching.

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  12. This is a beautiful post Fiona! I think as parents we all feel "The Guilt" from time to time and I think it is important to accept that it is ok! We need need something that we enjoy to keep a hold on our sanity especially in times of high stress. My Daughter was a terrible sleeper and for the first 5 years of her life bot me and my husband were terribly sleep deprived. But we did what we had to do to keep ourselves going, and to make sure we kept our patience with Her Highness.
    Just the fact that you are acknowledge the fact that you are feeling guilty means that you are pretty normal!

    I also feel bad about the amount of time I spend on the computer, so I try to limit it to the time when they are at school (school holidays mean I spend a quick hour in the mornings and just after lunch) and then after they are in bed. You do what you have to in order to hold on to your sanity! He won't remember much of these few years, so try to just enjoy this time when T doesn't answer back or refuse to eat his dinner.

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  13. I loved this post!
    It s really well written.
    Have a fab weekend!

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  14. your baby is.. *_________________________* <3 <3 <3

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  15. its totally terrifying and exillerating at the same time isnt it? i dont think i ever realised just how much my mum loves me ill i had my own!!

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  16. This is oh so true! I feel all of those things all of the time for Potato. He's poorly right now and I can't stop myself from constantly sticking a thermometer in the he poor boy's ear, to check for the slightest change in temperature!
    Thanks for linking up with #BinkyLinky

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Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment. I appreciate all your comments and try to reply whenever I can.

Peace & love,
Fiona
xo

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