Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness ♥

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel absolutely useless and inferior, like everything you want to achieve is unattainable and you wonder where your life is going? I have these types of moments, a lot, especially in the night time, I guess you could call this my thinking time, my time to just be me, not mama, not fiance, not friend, just Fiona. I take this time to contemplate on things I'd like to do and how I can improve myself and various aspects of my life, I really shouldn't do this, it doesn't seem to do me any good. I think about what I want to do, mainly in the way of courses, home improvement, travel, etc. and then am stopped in force by one vital aspect, lack of money. Oh if only I could win the lotto, how much simpler life would be with a purse full of money! Of course, money is not the be all and end all even if it is claimed that it makes the world go round. I could do some things that I really want to already as they don't come with a large price tag, however, at the moment I seem to lack the motivation or confidence to go about achieving them. I wish I was braver, more driven and had the confidence to achieve the goals I've had stored in the back of my mind for awhile now. It's as if a stumbling block is in my way and I just can't get over it.

I make one big mistake all the time, I compare myself to other people. I constantly give people the advice not to do this so why can't I listen to my own words and do myself a favour? I have no idea why I can't. Part of me feels like it's human nature, an in built jealousy or wanting what other people have. I've seen babies as young as six months grabbing toys from each other's hands, the human mind is born to 'want'. Sometimes I really do feel as if I'm on the road to nowhere, have no plans in the works, no prospects or opportunities. Of course, it can be argued that we make our own opportunities in life but I just feel like I don't have the confidence to set these up for myself. I wish I could break free from this melancholy and be happy for what I have in life, a beautiful son, a loving fiance, a roof over my head, people are a lot worse off in the world and here I am feeling sorry for myself, why? God only knows. 

I constantly think about giving things up, especially my blog. I wonder if I am too open with the world about my family, thoughts, opinions and my life. Perhaps I should be more conservative with my posts but I am such an open person and love to share. I felt like I had to write down my thoughts at this very moment so I could look back on this post and think "cop on, look at what you have and be happy". Looking back at old school reports and university letters it looked as though my future was bright, somewhere along the way my bulb went quite dim, I sometimes feel as though I am existing when I should be living. I know there are probably a lot of people who feel like I do, who can have an absolutely amazing day but have one small, negative thing happen and then have the whole day ruined, focusing on the negative when my outlook should be positive. Maybe this is just life, wanting to achieve more and be greater than we now are or maybe this is just how some people's state of mind is, a melancholy soul. I just wish aspirations weren't so unreachable and that I could lust for them without feeling so sad about the whole situation. I know eternal happiness is not a realistic state of mind but my God wouldn't it be wonderful?

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13 comments

  1. I really enjoyed this post, I can totally relate to it, my aim at the beginning of the year was to live life to the full, go out and do all these things & although were only a couple of weeks into the new year I feel like im slipping into mundane routines and its really bothering me x

    http://lauralourambleswithyou.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it Laura. I hope you can live life to the fullest this year and not slip into old ways xo

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  2. hello
    That is just a moment in time and a feeling...it's not you, and don't forget that. Keep you light shinning and never let the darkness come in.

    Send you the best Vibes
    Susana Silva

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    1. Hello Susana, thank you for reading. I know this is just a feeling, everything seems clearer in the morning. Sending positive vibes back at you xo

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  3. Ahhh Fiona, sorry to hear you feel like this. But I promise you are not alone, gonna messge you x

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    1. Thank you for reading Yaz and for your lovely messages, you're such a sweetheart xo

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  4. I think it's completely natural to feel that way sometimes, it's an incredible amount of pressure when you're responsible for someone all the time and then you feel like you have several roles and need to perform them all 100%, 100% of the time. We all need a break. I find that if I look back I do get annoyed with myself - but then I look at what I have now and I think - if I had gone to University, or gotten a degree, or travelled the world, would I be any happier than I am now? I believe I am where I'm supposed to be, and if something I'm supposed to do comes my way, I'll find a way to do it. I really enjoy your blog so I would hope you wouldn't stop it, but it's always a matter of personal choice, you know yourself better than anyone else! Those people you compare yourself to - they're probably all comparing themselves to other people as well, it's human nature. I think it was very brave to write this post and I think there are an awful lot of people who can identify! Plan something nice for yourself in the next week, even just a baby-free hour where you can put on a face mask and have a bath with some candles and a book xx

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    1. I know Sharon, a lot of people feel like this, especially, as you said, when you become a parent and are responsible for someone 24/7. You're right, what's meant for us won't pass up by. I'm so glad to read that you enjoy my little blog. I should have a little pamper session this weekend, you've given me an idea. Thank you! xo

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  5. Aw Fiona, we all have hard days (weeks) it's tough work minding a small person and you definitely lose more a sense of yourself as a mother. It's so important (and hard to do) to take some time alone to do something that you like to do, alone. It makes you remember who you are. Hope you feel better soon

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    1. Thanks for reading Sinead. You're right, I should do something to make me remember who I am. Much better today xo

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  6. It's strange how freaky thoughts become in the middle of the night and yet the next morning things usually seem much clearer. I think everyone goes through this at one time or another but honestly you're doing great, you have so many great things going on in your life so try and focus on that

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    1. I know Yav, the night seems to be a breeding ground for negative thoughts, must be the darkness, pathetic fallacy and all that. Thanks so much for reading. Hope you and bump are doing well xo

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  7. Hey Hun, I just wanted to say , that like many other readers, I've been where you are, not so long ago I had my head in my hands crying hysterical because I thought my life was going nowhere and I had no purpose and I was a failure...Then some one introduced me to the world of blogging ;) x Since then I have been feeling alot better, not perfect but better. Money is the root of all evil, and the answer to alot of problems and boy to I wish I had some...but I will say this..please don't ever feel guilty about how you are feeling. you are NOT being selfish by feeling this way. The feelings are yours and you are entitled to them whenever you want..feelings like this give you time for inner reflection and although it might seem bleak at the moment, inside your already working through everything and you will find a way to do the things you want..you just have to give yourself time and the answers will become clear xxx But you should definitely find some you time, even a day free to yourself..trust me it's like a new lease of life..hope your feeling alittle better today x xxx

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Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment. I appreciate all your comments and try to reply whenever I can.

Peace & love,
Fiona
xo

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