Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel absolutely useless and inferior, like everything you want to achieve is unattainable and you wonder where your life is going? I have these types of moments, a lot, especially in the night time, I guess you could call this my thinking time, my time to just be me, not mama, not fiance, not friend, just Fiona. I take this time to contemplate on things I'd like to do and how I can improve myself and various aspects of my life, I really shouldn't do this, it doesn't seem to do me any good. I think about what I want to do, mainly in the way of courses, home improvement, travel, etc. and then am stopped in force by one vital aspect, lack of money. Oh if only I could win the lotto, how much simpler life would be with a purse full of money! Of course, money is not the be all and end all even if it is claimed that it makes the world go round. I could do some things that I really want to already as they don't come with a large price tag, however, at the moment I seem to lack the motivation or confidence to go about achieving them. I wish I was braver, more driven and had the confidence to achieve the goals I've had stored in the back of my mind for awhile now. It's as if a stumbling block is in my way and I just can't get over it.
I make one big mistake all the time, I compare myself to other people. I constantly give people the advice not to do this so why can't I listen to my own words and do myself a favour? I have no idea why I can't. Part of me feels like it's human nature, an in built jealousy or wanting what other people have. I've seen babies as young as six months grabbing toys from each other's hands, the human mind is born to 'want'. Sometimes I really do feel as if I'm on the road to nowhere, have no plans in the works, no prospects or opportunities. Of course, it can be argued that we make our own opportunities in life but I just feel like I don't have the confidence to set these up for myself. I wish I could break free from this melancholy and be happy for what I have in life, a beautiful son, a loving fiance, a roof over my head, people are a lot worse off in the world and here I am feeling sorry for myself, why? God only knows.
I constantly think about giving things up, especially my blog. I wonder if I am too open with the world about my family, thoughts, opinions and my life. Perhaps I should be more conservative with my posts but I am such an open person and love to share. I felt like I had to write down my thoughts at this very moment so I could look back on this post and think "cop on, look at what you have and be happy". Looking back at old school reports and university letters it looked as though my future was bright, somewhere along the way my bulb went quite dim, I sometimes feel as though I am existing when I should be living. I know there are probably a lot of people who feel like I do, who can have an absolutely amazing day but have one small, negative thing happen and then have the whole day ruined, focusing on the negative when my outlook should be positive. Maybe this is just life, wanting to achieve more and be greater than we now are or maybe this is just how some people's state of mind is, a melancholy soul. I just wish aspirations weren't so unreachable and that I could lust for them without feeling so sad about the whole situation. I know eternal happiness is not a realistic state of mind but my God wouldn't it be wonderful?